Truth Is

Truth is I think about you way to much. I think about you everyday and I wait for you to come back. I know there's no hope, and I know that you've moved on without me. But I'm stuck here, in this never ending loop of memories with you. The first time we held hands, the first movie we saw together, the first time we hugged. I remember it all. I remember when you sang me that song about how amazing I was, and I remember when we promised to write down 100 things we loved about each other. I remember staying up for hours play Castle Crashers with you and talking to you. I remember the day you left, and the words you said. They still sting my heart when I replay them. Why did you leave me? Why would you hurt me? You told me you would stay by side forever. I guess the bad thing about forever is that it comes with a chance of never.

Only Problem

If you knew how much I loved you would you ever leave me? If you ever knew how much I looked forward to seeing you would you stay by me? If you knew how much you meant to me would you never leave my memory? The future scares me, be because it brings the chance of losing you. Will we know each other when we leave this place? Will we grow together, or separate only to wonder what we each are like now? You make my days happy, this life all worth it, and  me going. I cant wait to spend time with you, even if we aren't alone. I can't wait to look into your eyes and be able to smile for the first time in long time.  Your smile brings mine to the surface. You are the hope I've needed, blossoming in my heart, never to leave me. You are all I need, all I want, all I feel. You are the way life is supposed to be for me. To feel the rush of love I feel when you look me in the eyes is indescribable. My stomach becomes a whirlwind of butterflies, begging to be free. When you touch me, even a mere brush, my skin gets goosebumps and I feel myself shudder. Everything you do to me brings happiness I often don't feel. You make me feel whole for the first time in a long time. I don't need hope, I don't need my parents, if I have you. I love the way you're gentle around me, around everyone. I love how even when you're talking to someone else my name still seems to seep into the conversation. Do you love me? I love you, can't you tell? You make me beyond happy, fill my heart with more then just hope. You are the sparkle in my eyes, the warmth in my heart, the air I breathe. Only problem is you have no idea.

Soon

Black roads and dark clouds fill the space between us. Longing for each others company and love is what fills our days now. As the rain hits the windshield it hits my heart too. The foggy windows keep me from seeing you. My heart sinks as each mile I climb creates a gap so wide between us. Your words echo in my head, your smile is etched into my mind, and your eyes are all I see when I close mine. I grip the reality of leaving you and my heart shatters. I can almost feel the blood draining from my body, and leaving me an empty lifeless shell. White line after white line counts the distance between us. What are we to now? A hundred? A thousand? A million? Hours spent alone without you, without your smile, is what kills me. "Soon." you say. When is soon though? It seems to far away to be real. By my side for an eternity is how it's supposed to go. So where are you? Back in the place I left you, with your hand empty and cold. "Soon." I repeat to myself. Soon isn't soon enough.

Finish Me

I'm breaking my own heart, and one of these days it will shatter completely. I will bleed to death from my own wounds, from stabbing myself over and over again. My heart beats for attention but I'm shut in the dark, so I stay here waiting for someone to come and save me.

You stand there watching me bleed, watching me drown in my own blood, but would you ever try to keep my heart pumping? No, you'd be the first one to finish me off. Be the first to wrap their fingers around my heart and squeeze what blood I have left out. You'd rather see me as a lifeless body than as a happy human being. You'd rather watch me cry than be the shoulder to stop the tears. You'd rather kill me than help me live. And that's exactly what you're doing.

To Hold Your Hand

Your voice, your hands, the way you smile at me, the way you're so gentle around me, its all so wonderful. The way you move, the way you act, the way you don't care what people think, its all so hypnotizing. The way you act around kids, so marvelous, so kind, so lovingly, its all so beautiful. You're beautiful, you're gorgeous really. You make me so happy, so full of life, but when you get around her I want to die. I want to rip you away from her and keep you all to myself. Wrap my arms around you, rest my head on your shoulder, just hold your hand.

Oh, your hands. They're so amazing, so strong yet gentle. I just want to hold your hand. Even if we have to be just friends, even if we can't tell anyone, even if we only do it once, I really just want to hold your hand. It doesn't have to mean anything, it doesn't have to feel special, I just really want to hold your hand. May I hold your hand? Just once. I wont ask again, I promise. I just really want to hold your hand.

Don't Leave Me Alone

I miss you. I miss being around you. I know I have to act calm, but sometimes I can't help it. You're so beautiful, so charming, so wonderful. I want to hold your hand. I want to know what it feels like to touch your skin. I want to feel your grip on me, and feel you protect me. I want to look down and see your fingers intertwined with mine. I want to be able to touch your face, and maybe even kiss you. I want to run my hands through your hair and mess it up. I want to bring out that dazzling smile of yours and feel myself smile back. I want to feel your stronge arms around me when we hug. I wrote you, will you, won't you, please write me back. I can't take the space between us any more. I made the first move, now it's your turn. Please, don't leave me alone.

Only If For A Night

Should I be worried about you? Should I worry about how it feels when you're around? I get feeling of complete horror mixed with butterflies when I'm with you. I can't eat, I can barely sleep, and I can't breath when you stand next to me. When we walk side by side and your hand dangles begging to be taken, I have to restrain myself. The way you move, your gentle graceful hands, your smile, all of it kills me inside when you direct it towards me. You're so wonderful, so breathtaking, so perfect, so way beyond my reach.

Some Day, Some One, Some Where

Some day I will have my own life. Some day I will live on my own or with my husband. Some day I will have my own appartment, where when I wake up I can make myself a fabulous breakfast, or coffee, or whatever I want. Some day I will find someone that loves me, for who I am, and what I need. He will be all that I need, and I will be all that he needs. Maybe we'll have children, maybe not. I just know in my heart that when I do find the right guy, I will never let him go, because I could never live with all the pain and guilt. I guess that's why I really don't want a relationship any more, because I'm afraid of hurting whoever I begin to love. I don't want to go through that whole, "get together and never talk" thing, and I don't want one of those "yeah we're together, but we never see each other or spend any time together" relationship either. I want some one that will stand by my side instead of the crowd. Some one that will hold my hand when I am scared, sad, or just want to feel his touch. Some one that is funny, but serious when needed. Some one old fashion, but is not afraid to be a little modern. Maybe I do need some one else to live, or maybe I don't. Maybe, some day, I'll have some one, some where, too give my love.

January 23, 2012

With her elbows on her lap and her head in her hands, she sits in the metal chair holding back the tears begging to be released. She finds no comfort from the pats on her back and shoulders. What she is searching for down deep is him; his eyes, his smile, his arms. She raises her head and searches for him in his usual standing spot, while wiping away the tear that broke free. "He's not in his usual spot, so he must be helping her." she thinks. When suddenly he appears, their eyes meet, and she finds the strength to stand again. She walks quickly,but surely, into his open arms, not caring about the many eyes following her. She buries her head in his neck, and feels herself shuddering. "Everything's going to be okay. I will never let you go." he whispers in her ears, while strokig her hair. He takes her face in his hands, and holds it close to his own face. Their lips meet and move like one. She feels the warmth spreading through her and down her spine, blossoming in her heart. He pulls her head back gently, and brushes a piece of lost hair behind her ear. She reaches for his lips again, but he stops her. He smiles, and she places her head back on his shoulder.
Then the buzzer goes off and I'm forced back into reality.

What Do You See?

Today I used all that I had, and now I am tired. I saw you today and I felt my body shiver. My heart began to race, the blood soared threw my veins, my head pounded, my skin tightened, and my hands clenched into tight fists. You saw right through me. You saw my pain and my troubles, though you know not all the things that have brought my downfall. You saw all my pain and I saw the fear in your dark eyes. You never looked again. Are you afraid of my pain? Are you afraid of what I have done to myself? Do not fear, for there is no need. Yes, I have pain, but I am living with it. So don't fear it, because I don't.

Forever Alone

Would it be so bad to be forever alone? I don't think so. Sure you may not have that special person to come home to, but you won't have as much pain. You would never run the risk of hurting the one you love, and never run the risk of being unhappy. The nights may be lonely, but maybe it's for the best.
People keep asking me if I'm alright when I see them together, but the truth is I've never been better. I don't worry about impressing him, and what he thinks. Now I can be how Im supposed to be, and its wonderful. It's really never been better, although some days get very lonely. You can't choose what stays and what fades though.
When they ask me who I like I just smile, because they think that I have to have some one in my life to make me happy. Truth is I don't though. It's not a bad thing if you do need some one, but I don't. I think that's what keeps me happy too. They all look at me like I'm crazy, or that I'm holding back a forbidden love, but I'm not. I just haven't found any one worth risking everything for. If I find some one I will, of course, risk everything for them, but until them I'll always be forever alone.